1: the structure of the ego
we always are acting (mostly unconsciously) on
of egoic activity depicted in
most of our time we find ourselves only
the outermost circle of ego activity. This is the most peripheral
or superficial level, corresponding to the least depth of feeling.
In fact, our motive for only being conscious there is to
from what is being generated at the deeper levels of ego activity,
especially the pain at the core. Avatar Adi Da Samraj describes
our occupation at the peripheral level as
generally in the areas of money, food, sex, and relationships. This
by an uninspected (and unfounded) motive that suggests that, if
one could find what one was seeking, whether the search is for a
million dollars or the intimate partner of one’s dreams, one would
become happy; one would be relieved of the pain. This is basically
how most of us pass most of our lives. The searches can never fulfill
their promise because they don’t in any way relieve the fundamental
sense of separation at the core that is creating the pain:
have little searches that can be attained in the next moment,
and you have bigger ones that take a little longer, and you have
immense ones that could take you forever. . . . And this is how
you prevent yourself from finding out that you are just a seeker
and the search is based on pain and that it is founded on an act
of separation and cannot be fulfilled. You keep yourselves from
finding this out by projecting some of your searches onto such
a large scale that you can never prove the point.
for "spiritual" experiences proves to be exactly the same
kind of search. It is motivated by the pain associated with "being"
a separate self. And, like more conventional materialistic self-fulfillment,
it is only a distraction from what we actually need to be
doing to be free of the sense of being a separate self :
time I met Rudi [Adi Da Samraj's first Spiritual Teacher],
He would hand Me a bag of garbage. I cannot remember a time when
I went to see Rudi when He did not hand Me a bag of garbage. It
was always the first thing He would do. Then I would go and throw
the garbage away, and I would come back, and We would sit together
for a little bit, or I would do some work. Sooner or later, He
would give Me some more garbage. It is really very simple. You
just throw it away. . . .
key to the matter is not how
to throw the garbage away. The key to the matter is noticing that
it is garbage. . . .
are looking at a lot of garbage and thinking that it
"Is" the Divine! One of My
Functions is to "package" the garbage. I have spent a lot of My
time packaging your garbage, trying to get you to notice that
it is garbage. You will throw it away as soon as you notice this.
You cannot surrender something that you do not see to be garbage.
You compulsively hold on to it. So you must notice that it is
I will Tell you right now —
it is all garbage!
Everything I Give you in the realms of experience is, ultimately,
and I expect you to throw it away. Nevertheless,
you tend to meditate on it
instead of meditating on Me!
Every one of these seemingly precious experiences, all of this
profound philosophy, is —
just more of the same stuff. But you have "bought"
the conventional religious and Spiritual propaganda —
so you think that these experiences and this philosophical "profundity"
are the Divine Itself. None of that is the Divine. It is all
garbage. . . .
are expected to throw the garbage away under the most extraordinary
conditions in which you would, ordinarily, not
even consider throwing it
away. You are sitting in the precious blissfulness of the spine
why should you throw it away? It is all so delicious.
You have been a fool all your life, and now you are a Yogi! —
why should you throw that away? No
one wants to do that.
You do not want to throw it away. You have no True Humor in relation
to it. You have no detachment from all this that you have accumulated
through vast aeons of existence in conditionally manifested form.
You do not want to throw it away. The demand to throw it away
seems mad, impossible . . .
is required of you is this sacrifice of separate and separative
and such self-sacrifice only becomes possible through
the Influence of My Perfect Siddhi of Divine Liberation. . . .
is real sacrifice —
not a sacrifice in the traditional sense of some
gloomy self-abnegation and emptying. It is the sacrifice which
is itself based on True Humor and expressive of overwhelming love
of Me, in which there is not anything whatsoever to be attained.
is not anything to be attained. I mean not anything.
is not anything to be attained. Not one thing is to be attained.
Not anything. There is not a single thing to be attained.
is no conditional experience, no conditional vision, no conditional
transformation of state that must be attained.
Have I said it?
Adi Da Samraj, He-and-She
of our life passes by on the periphery of self-awareness, in cycles
of stress-generation (as we engage the next search) and stress release
(when a goal is attained). We try to stay consoled and pleasurized;
in other words, we try to stay
the always present, underlying pain produced at the core of the
ego. But sometimes those distractions fail to work
was fired from my job”, “my mother died”, “my husband left me”
and we fall into our suffering at a deeper of self. We feel more
fully the underlying motivators of seeking and distraction: fear,
anger, sorrow, anxiety, and so on. But it is at this level too,
for the length of time we can endure staying in it, that we can
deeper level of our patterning: our constant need to distract ourselves,
to occupy ourselves in seeking, so as not to feel this generally
covered-over “pit of snakes”. Obviously investigating this level
by choice is better than being thrust into this level by random
circumstance (through the death of a loved one, disaster, etc.)
of feeling-awareness —
painful though its discoveries will be
the direction we need to move in, because in fact, we must consciously
fall into the core of all this egoic activity and suffering in order
to find the true and completely effective key to freedom from suffering.
We need not wait for our distractions to fail to fall into this
deeper level. Understanding our mission, we can intentionally and
renouncing or reducing our seeking activity in specific areas systematically.
It’s very simple:
as soon as we cease to engage distractions,
we feel precisely what we are trying not to feel (via those distractions).
There are two
good reasons why we do not hear too much about people making it
all the way to the core, and telling the world they have found the
way beyond being a separate self, and all the suffering that stems
- Even if could
bring ourselves to engage the process, we couldn’t possibly endure
the suffering that passage involves, totally undistracted, totally
unconsoled, and totally defenseless; and
- It would
be a hopeless task, a guaranteed dead-end, without the help of
the Fully Awakened Spiritual Master. It is only by way of contrast
the feeling-awareness of the Divine, the feeling-awareness of
the underlying State of utter Non-Separation, that we discover
the specific activity of separation that is the self-contraction.
And so the road
to fundamental self-understanding is paved not with the exquisite
torture of deeper and deeper
rather, with the progressive taking on of disciplines that curb
or renounce our various forms of distraction, while our primary
activity remains our
surrender to the Divine.
For it is only the consciously embraced Happiness of the Divine
that allows us to endure the falling into our undistracted suffering,
and only the Revelation of the Divine that by way of contrast also
Reveals the self-contraction. We are basically
Grace into our own True Depth and Ultimate Nature (beyond ego),
in (and by) the Divine, as we feel to, through and beyond all the
self sensations to the Divine. Thus, the discovery of the primal
activity is a Revelation by and Gift from the Divine.
Quite in contrast
with our conventional patterning
which avoids feeling fully, suffering in all its forms
fullness of feeling
the key to the process of understanding, because the self-contraction
is most fundamentally a limit on feeling:
enough, the reason you are so disturbed about the facts of life
that might make you fearful, sorrowful, and angry is that whenever
something arises that you might appropriately be angry, fearful,
or sorrowful about, you do not feel it completely.
You limit your feeling of even these reactions. . . . If feeling
becomes limitless, if you do not contract, then feeling becomes
Being itself — no reaction, no contraction,
Feeling without limit. . . . What is It? It is Love-Bliss.
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